December 9, 2007


"Post-GWAR rape"

Last night I had the distinct pleasure of witnessing obscenity personified - GWAR. For those of you unschooled in this extraterrestrial rock piece, a brief background, taken directly from the band's website:

Eons ago, there existed an elite group of chaos warriors who ravaged the galaxy with a boundless hatred of all things alive. They were called the Scumdogs of the Universe, and they grew in might and fury, the greatest weapon in the arsenal of their cosmic Master. But they became too powerful, and too defiant, and for their cosmic crimes were banished to the most insignificant planet in the universe...the seething mudball known as Earth. Millions of years passed, and they slumbered, until the pollution of your world de-thawed these creatures from their ageless coma...and now they stride the Earth, living gods, dedicated to one goal, the destruction of the human race, and the eradication of existence itself! Wait- that’s two goals!

The day started just like any other day, completely oblivious to what I was about to witness. My friend Matt and I took a train from Grand Central NYC to New Haven, CT, where the band were to play the last show of their tour. The opening bands were your derivative heavy metal/thrash rock groups, and it was at this point I began to wonder if all this was worth it. Finally, at around 8:30 PM, GWAR came on stage, and they immediately began their assault. The music was never important, which is mindless thrash metal, but their performance, that was a different story. The only way to put it was that Matt and me were brutally raped by GWAR, visually, sonically and physically.

The following highly offensive events occurred, in no particular order:

1) The Pope dressed in Nazi garb was decapitated and sprayed blood all over the audience.

2) A figure with Hitler on one face and Jesus on the other was decapitated and sprayed blood all over the audience.

3) Don Vitto from "Jackass" shat a blue substance all over the audience (I particularly got a deadeye shot in the face), and was then disemboweled and sprayed blood all over the audience. He then gave birth to Bam Margera, who jizzed over the audience.

4) President Bush was decapitated. He sprayed blood everywhere also.

This was also my first real "moshing" concert. I got kicked in the head a couple times by body surfers that seemed to come out of nowhere, and traded elbows with people who got a bit too rough. Oh, and I had a sincere belief that I was going to die once the barricade between the band and audience broke.

Once the show ended, which was around an hour and 15 minutes later (but seemed like 30 years later), I didn't know what to think. I was drenched in an assortment of green, red and blue liquids, while my face was completely green. My body was bruised and spent, but I realized that what I had witnessed was a unique experience, one that defies definition and can only be given justice if seen. I was offended, for sure, but I knew that if one of the band members had a cuttlefish for a penis, than none of this could be taken seriously. GWAR raped me, for sure, but it was rape with meaning.


Pulse Tsar said...

Holy shit! That sounds absolutely horrible (and also hilarious from a third party perspective). I think GWAR has gotten even more ridiculous over the years compared to when they first got famous back when I was in high school.

Justin said...

It was awesome, to be honest. I didn't know what to expect, but I was completely floored by the whole experience. Once in a lifetime event.

Anonymous said...

That was great! I really ought to go to a show! Well written, too!